| words of clay |
[Jul. 18th, 2007|11:10 am] |
- for M.C.
How do you resculpt a piece of art that formed with too much water, spinning too fast and out of control, with eyes not watching what hands were molding? I can use my words like new water to soften what hardened in a most un-artistic way. I can use my heart to recreate what my hands might have damaged. And I can use my mind to spin my piece @ just the right speed...to redesign what I'd intended in a different place and time-
You are very much a warm and peaceful memory. You were a stitch in my life that held together my tattered cloth. Your stitch is still there, and always will be. I can't thank you enough for your soft presence in our home; her first weeks of life. I wish you could know me differently, because I was not who I truely am when we first met. You met a winded soul. And all I can do now is reach out and touch your life again, with grateful thanks. |
|
|
| My Daughter's Eyes (m.m.) |
[Jun. 10th, 2006|12:16 pm] |
In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her hand around my finger
How it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
Is hanging on when your heart has had enough
Is giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what will be
And though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you'll see
How happy she made me
And I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes
-m.m. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2005|11:44 pm] |
i don't understand. i wonder, even, does he? who is he? what does he really feel? what side does he stand on? is he on the fence - a foot on both sides? i sit here, still, with a warm, sore heart - i have no mal intentions. nothing in me reaches out to cut or harm. i sit here quietly, my toes rippling the water as i stir my foot in a circle in the ocean of your soul. where are you? who are you from the inside?
"He is all the great heroes of the world in one. He is more than an individual. You laugh, but I tell you he has genius. I love him, and I must make him love me. You, who know all the secrets of life, tell me how to charm him to love me! I want to make Romeo jealous. I want the dead lovers of the world to hear our laughter, and grow sad. I want a breath of our passion to stir their dust into consciousness, to wake their ashes into pain." -oscar wilde |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2005|11:21 pm] |
i am so wrong for this. i am shaking right now like i can't imagine, but i can feel myself, down to my beating heart, trembling like the last leaf of a tree as it lets go. i feel pale and afraid; present knowledge of future regret...and i know i will. i feel as if i am standing face to face with what will level me, again. my fingers are just trembling. my heart feels like it's missing beats, choking on itself, and it's so uncomfortable inside my chest. and if i were to speak myself, my voice would break at every corner. i would trip with my feet like i'd never walked; a fool before myself. i'm placing myself in judgement's face and i fear before i even hear my sentence, again, that ruling is against me. i wish i could finish now with time already served, but life grows me through this pain. i know i am so wrong for this. i am shaking right now like you can't imagine, but i can feel myself, down to my beating heart, trembling, like my naked soul in frozen water.
two years ago tonight we melted into one another. we frolicked in our words and drowned in hot blood that felt like something scripted for hollywood. you wanted to dance with me. oh, i would press into your soul right now and move you to dance if i had one moment to choose. in that night, as we babbled, i was too talky-talky. i always am when i'm excited, as i was that night...or when i'm nervous, as i am now. i wish you to forgive me; that i could look up to meet your sideways smile raining over me for this. so i said i'd be your "dancing girl", tho not as poetic, perhaps, as He could paint. like pam, i said i'd be the muse to your poet. in my mind, i mentally smoke myself away from this into what was Heaven in your embrace, my face deep into your chest. my heart deep into your soul. i melt away in my mind to the deepest part of your core and wish i could be one with you. it's hard to breathe, i remind myself to suck the air, to bring my mind to where i am. but i slip away again. sleeping in your arms in hot water, bouncing flames to see your shadow. i'm shaking. when we'd meet at night, lost somewhere in the space between here and there, we skinny dipped into each other's minds with our fancy thoughts. you seduced me with your words. i remember the feeling i felt all those nights when i looked into those dark eyes; you were piercing. i longed to be stirred by your fingertips, like hot drink; tasted my dreams just to smell you. i longed to seduce you in return with a sweet smell and a soft whisper, with a powerful heart and mind.....i knew i cracked you with my eyes and my smile on those dates so long ago, with my hiding face. i played with you and i had fun. i felt like a kitten, clawing your legs, tearing your clothes, biting your hands.....i could see to your soul through those dark, piercing eyes and i knew i had you...then. then. then is such a pasty word for the palate. now melts into rich, creamy flavor for the mind and the heart and the soul. the craziest my body ever felt was in those nights before i could really know just how you really felt; how you smelled - your skin and your hair.....before i could truely know just how you tasted. my mind was a crazy thing. my tongue was tense for the essence and taste of your skin; my mind was on its toes in a constant stream of subconscious dream as to how this would all unfold. and that moment i layed my eyes upon you, as you walked toward me, when i climbed up and into your arms and dissolved my body into yours, i knew it was as good as i'd imagined. your shiny cow shorts showing from the top of your jeans as they slid down your hips. you were shy and nervous and i simply adored you.
i was intertwined with your mind in silence, succumbed to your soul in distance, and your body, with you as one. your taste, your smell, your soft, gentle face. God walked you into my life, and as easily as He slid you in, He slid you out. I wake up with my arms enveloped around a ghostly dream of you. my arms wrapped together at my chest-
...and you're not there.
I'm sure I am so wrong for this. I am shaking like you can't imagine. But I can feel myself, down to the last beat of my weak heart.....that I can't possibly have any more to lose in sending you a whisper from the dark-
two years...
so much...
too fast-
(i miss you) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|09:32 pm] |
|
in a sudden moment, light sheds itself upon a subconsciously hidden awareness. i see from a new position; from a location higher than my mind has ever seen before. i am in limbo, suspended between two worlds - a rainbow that hangs from a season of grey leads into hot sun that sheds its light upon my awareness. i'm not drowning down below from a struggle to stay afloat. i fought to tread as that foggy whirlpool exhausted my energy. now i look out above from an arch of blended color, drenched and following a hallucination of wild passion from which i awoke. the waking was the nightmare. the dream was just a colorful fantasy, mentally saturated in an illusion of consuming seduction. |
|
|
| Robin |
[Jun. 26th, 2005|09:03 pm] |
|
his voice, the bond where our blurred vision meets - his tears...a gift. this moment stops time. his hand out-stretched, our eyes locked, his heart swollen - i feel constricted by warmth and love, so tightly. his words pierce beyond my experience, deep into my heart..."priceless"..."precious". these resounding echoes become absorbed into the spongey cloth of my soul. i feared my heart is being punished for my sin. i see here, though, You are handing me this fragile gift, and it's wrapped in silk. it's beautiful. Your hands push through and place it deep into my heart. i can't recognize enough. i can't understand the enormity of my own vast gratitude but to simply taste it as it flows from my pores. thank you for him. i love You. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2005|08:03 am] |
it hurts.
it squeezes me tightly.
it pushes me on despite my resistance.
i want so to take a breath but i can't.
suffocating, dark constriction-
i long to turn back to the warmth and safety of this womb.
the rapid beating of my life gains on me - it feels like it's winning.
i recognize the stillness of its pain in the hollow cavity of my being-
beating and beating
i can't seem to shut out a blinding light that is hurting me.
i close my eyes, i turn away
but it consumes me and pulls me head on like gravity.
i work to swell my body, to cause friction to make this all stop, but i have no control.
i say goodbye.
i emerge-
eyes wide shut to the termination of everything i know.
my death is life.
it's birth.
it's cold.
it's new.
confusion-
no control.
i give up my fight to relax in the warm, tight swaddle of my Father.
i shrug off the dark, heavy blanket of fear and mourning to fall into welcoming acceptance of white celebration.
it's just another day- |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2005|07:39 am] |
God is bleeding out of the woodwork in the form of warm souls who have touched my life. and in all of this i see that it is I who has truly touched their lives. they all embrace me in an hour of desperation - quietly, with a pride i am trying so hard to push down and away. she can't afford my selfish mistake of pride and independence right now, nor can i.
i have touched these souls on my path, and now i see a power i hold, in a most painful time - a blessing that is ME - what recognition! what a wonderful realization. and the blessing is God. i know He hears me. He touches me and i feel Him there, sitting by me quietly, watching...waiting - touching, and smiling with pride at my newfound awareness. His touch evaporates the pain. through Him and with Him i can do anything. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|05:07 pm] |
i need to paint. i feel a loss of mind - i'm lacking an edge i used to slide on. do i need a drug? a drug to paint my picture? how can i rely on another's clay to mold into expression what is running me through the ringer? the emotion that is causing ill fate to my mind, my body...to the life that grows inside of me. a life that depends on my well being. here i let her down in all of this. i put her away. i love her. but in this sick and selfish moment, i pass by on a sad thought, an excuse that i don't know her. not yet. do i need to see the need and dependence in her eyes to grow up and away from all of this? we are visual creatures but i breathe from the notion that i wake and move from the prompting of my heart. my mind's door closes. i feel blind.
but i am home. this awareness is comforting. i am safe, and i'm ok. and she is home in me. with me. this realization creates an ultimate understanding of love from within my mind, and my heart, and my soul.
i am sorry to have wasted any moment sacrificing you, your heart and your well being, in all of this. it is not worth it. it's not worth YOU.
i love you.
i hope you can forgive me for my weak and human ways. i will never leave you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|08:04 am] |
i stand alone
i stand in center
i spin my world around me
a kaleidescope's colors blend and divide
the faces split
i stare into each
i stare through them
i strain
their stained glass souls
the colors fall away
broken glass
mirror cracks
uneven reflection
dissonant feelings
anxiety
i judge them but i love them
i need them
i release them
i love them.
they judge me
they release me
i stand alone
i stand in center
my world is silent-
recognition
so silent
pensive soul
i hear the air |
|
|
| i've never felt so alone...i've never been so alive -3eb |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|01:57 pm] |
i'd like to introduce myself, though i mentally hide my face behind a see-through fear, and a sort of threat i am trying so hard to swallow right now. i see here that i am the one, the 'simple life of old' that a self-dubbed "humble" one has treaded in. humble? i couldn't say humble, though i see, from your shoes, you see this canvas differently. i am the 'tree' that has kept him up and away from who and what he is in the process of now becoming, whatever that is. i am an open and honest, wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl, and i feel so very vulnerable now. my belly bared, my throat...it hurts. so tight. i am in love. what a dangerous thing to be so emotionally taken with someone or something that just can not reciprocate. i want so to be strong and feel that i just don't care. i can work hard now on that strength, but to say i just don't care would be a lie. my heart is broken. i just don't possess that liberating, capricious independence you paint quite a portrait of. i would never choose the option now to fold on my hand, but ohhh...the daydreams i've had, in recent days and hours, just wishing of escape. the thought of the emotional and physical freedom to take a trip and seek that carefree, no-tie's aspect of character, but i just don't have it. it's not me. perhaps i'm just an 'ordinary' here in the midst of emotionally-independent assholes. i feel sad to think i fall into this category of "close-minded individuals"...your skewed perception of my 'victim' to his crime. i scratch my head in a coherent wonder to the fantasy high you speak from in your false sense of an intellectual realm to which you both subscribe.
but i wonder had we met, you and i, through our own circumstances, would i have enjoyed the moment? you do appear, from a distance, to have a depth and reality to your soul that seem intriguing - but my heart is tangled in a knot with one who had such the opportunity. and this once very colorful soul has fallen short. shamefully, has shown too little character to fight for. disappointing. his mind and his heart used to shine like the colors of brightly stained glass. now that glass just appears dull and shattered. you are right that "monogamy breeds dishonesty"...if you have no integrity.
this gift of my body will be beautiful. she will have a brilliant heart and soul. i need now invest all of my attention, all of my energy, and all of my heart into modeling life for her in such a way that together will breed and grow this gem. she has the ingredients, if only from myself.
i wish that you not speak harshly of my response to my evolving circumstance, though i don't feel you would. we are 2 very different people, you and i, and i see now that i have a mountain of growth ahead of me to climb.
**from the heart of a child that trusted from within a stranger's mind...a mind with broken intuition. a soul with broken heart - i never knew you.
-a little monkey that swings from the safety and security of the canopy of those very trees- |
|
|
| Stay or Leave (djm) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|12:40 pm] |
may be different, but remember
winters warm where you and i
kissing whiskey by the fire
with the snow outside
and when the summer comes
in the river
swims at midnight
shiver cold
touch the bottom,
you and i,
with muddy toes
stay or leave
i want you not to go
but you should
it was good as good goes
stay or leave
i want you not to go
but you did
wake up naked drinking coffee
making plans to change the world
while the world is changing us
it was good, good love
you used to laugh under the covers
maybe not so often now
but the way i used to laugh with you
was loud and hard
stay or leave
i want you not to go
but you should
it was good as good goes
stay or leave
i want you not to go
but you did
so what to do
with the rest of the day's afternoon
hey, isn't it strange how we change
everything we did
did i do all that i should-
...that i could have done
remember we used to dance
and everyone wanted to be
you and me
i want to be, too
what day is this
besides the day you left me
what day is this
besides the day you went
so what to do
with the rest of the day's afternoon
hey, well isn't it strange how we change
everything we did
did i do all that i could
remember we used to dance
and everyone wanted to be you and me
i want to be, too
what day is this
besides the day you went, babe
what day is this
-djm |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
la_miquita_azul's journal